A Courageous Beauty Interview: Mrs. Christian International 2007-Maryann DeFrances

Angie: How did you learn about this pageant?

Maryann: was invited to compete by Barbara and Sable Butler via an e-mail invite.

Angie: What titles have you held?

Maryann: Mrs. Warren County, NJ 2005, Mrs. Christian International 2007 and I won the Companionship Award at Mrs. New Jersey America in 2008.

Angie: What is your platform?

Maryann: Accepting our flaws and becoming great in spite of them!

Angie: How did you build your platform and promote your work?

Maryann: Realizing some of my own personal weaknesses and how they kept me from achieving all that God had for me inspired me to start an intense bible study on the subject of self-doubt.  I read Joyce Meyer’s books on “The Battlefield of the Mind” and putting into practice everything I learned inspired me to teach my wealth of knowledge and practical experience to other women struggling in the same way.


Angie: I think it's wonderful to use personal experience to help others. Why did you decide to compete?

Maryann: I love the Christian pageants because I’m able to speak freely about my belief in and love for God; which gives me the chance to showcase the real me (inside and out). No swimsuit competition!!!!!!

Angie: What kept you competing?

Maryann: My last pageant was in 2008. I believed in my platform and felt the need to teach women/girls and even boys how to accept themselves in spite of their flaws in order to become everything they are meant to be.

Angie: Was/is competition scary?

Maryann: It’s not so scary when you have the opportunity to really be yourself and talk about ALL of your beliefs…however, you run the risk of the judges “not getting” who you really are on the inside.

Angie: What personal fears did you have to overcome?

Maryann: When I was 10 years old I entered the Little Miss America pageant… absolutely terrified! When I got on stage I just crumbled and did not complete every requirement asked of me due to fear and just walked off the stage shaking! I beat myself up for years over that….extremely disappointed in my performance….and I was only 10 years old! So, I’ve done pageants as a woman to finally prove to myself that I can do anything afraid. Even though I feel the fear, I don’t have to fall apart…I can do it afraid and still do it well!

Angie: That's the true definition of courage, to do what you fear in spite of the fear itself. Congratulations! What did you have to learn to compete?

Maryann: The basics, such as how to properly interview, how to do the “pageant walk”, how to dress in a fashion that is flattering to my body type and most importantly…how to be myself no matter what the judges think of me.


Angie: Tell us about what you were able to do with your titles:

Maryann: Visit children’s hospitals to bring toys to the kids who were ill; actually volunteered as a titleholder to visit malls and ask for donations to purchase gifts for these kids, counsel girls/women who experience an unexpected pregnancy (Peer Counselor), volunteered at various churches handing out food to the needy and became a Big Sister to a teen girl in my neighborhood.

Angie: Please tell us about a dream, why it's been a goal, and what it means to you?

Maryann: Having worked in Corporate America for 10 years proved to be unfulfilling and I felt as if I was not making a difference in this world or anyone else’s individual life.

My dearest innate desire is to be a blessing to as many people as possible in this lifetime.  As a result, I’ve been accepted into Nursing School and dream of becoming a full-time nurse in the near future!

Angie: What do you still want to achieve?

Maryann: Telling as many people about God as possible and having the opportunity to love others via my upcoming nursing career. And, of course, continue to become the best wife and mother possible!

Angie: Do you believe you can achieve it?

Maryann: I believe the nursing dream is God-given. All it takes is money…which I’m also trusting God for.

Angie: Why or why not?

Maryann: If a desire is truly God-given, He will equip anyone to accomplish the task He has for them. It’s not always an easy road…many times he grows us (sometimes painfully along the way). However, we become a true blessing to others as a result and He continues to change us more and more into His image as a result.

Angie: What tips would you give other women wanting to enter the pageant world?

Maryann: Honestly, It’s not for everyone…However if you’re going to try competing, a girl/woman must be comfortable in her own skin and remember that whatever the results, these are just the opinions of 4 or 5 people whom you may never see again.

Angie: Do you do a lot of public speaking?

Maryann: Advocated to my community and surrounding areas as a public speaker on behalf of the Big Brothers/Big Sisters Org. As a former member of Toastmaster’s International (a corporate organization designed to hone our public speaking skills) I’ve delivered many speeches on various topics to my fellow Toastmasters.

Angie: What kind of an education do you have?

Maryann: Honestly, I knew I wanted to work on computers while in high school. So, I attended Cittone Computer Institute for one year and graduated with a certificate that enabled me to become employed as a Computer Program Tester for Prudential Insurance Company.

I’ve just been accepted to Warren County School of Licensed Practical Nursing studying to become an L.P.N.

Angie: Do you have other creative talents you pursue?

Maryann: Honestly, I’m not the most talented woman in Warren County, but I do have a gift to teach God’s word. I’m expanding my knowledge of cooking and becoming quite the chef as well!

Angie: I love that talent! Is it important for a person to look their best?

Maryann: We always want to look as good as we can for our particular age, however, there are times when we are ill or experience something traumatic that (in my opinion) gives us a legitimate excuse not to wear makeup that day!

Angie: What do you hope you achieved with your titles long term?

Maryann: I hope to encourage women to know they are not alone in this life’s various struggles and that they are “OK” just the way they are; even with a few flaws!

Angie: Will you compete again?

Maryann: I feel a release from God to stop competing.

Angie: You're on to a new dream :-) Would you share about your fashion favorites, flair, or a tip that makes you feel beautiful?

Maryann: I feel most beautiful when I’m eating right and exercising because my overall outlook on life is better at those times.

Angie: What compliment do you receive most often?

Maryann: People tell me I’m a considerate, caring person.

Angie: Do you accept compliments well?

Maryann: Yes, I just say “thank you”. I don’t believe a woman should ever debase herself or put herself down.

Angie: How does a woman accept a compliment gracefully?

Maryann: Simply by smiling and saying “thank you”. Even if she isn’t feeling it, I don’t believe the person giving the complement needs to know that.

Angie: What are you most confident about?

Maryann: My mothering skills and how much I am loved by God.

Angie: How did you earn that sense of confidence?

Maryann: My competent mothering skills came from prayer, Christian-based parenting tapes, parenting books and advice from other moms.

Angie: What would you like to share?

Maryann: I’m just an ordinary woman who, at times, accomplished extraordinary things for God and the good of others. I was also the very first Mrs. Christian International! I’ve been concentrating on raising my nephew (both of his parents died) trying to figure out the best way to help him cope, work and my family. However, I’ve been keeping a low profile lately; by choice.

Angie: Thank you so much, Maryann, for spending time with us today :-) I wish you the most wonderful experience in your nursing career and dreams for the future. May God bless you as you raise your nephew!

MY GOD BOX

A special opening message from Margaret Iuculano:









I want to thank our Blog Host for taking the time to read My God Box a memoir about an abusive childhood but more importantly on how a mustard seed of faith in God turned around the life of a child. I feel blessed that you are willing to share the book on the Blog Tour Name. You are helping to create awareness about a topic that desperately needs to be addressed and has reached epidemic proportions - 500,000 children in the Foster Care System within the US.

Our country is in a crisis with an overloaded Foster Care System and children falling through the cracks daily and being put into homes to provide safety only to be left neglected again. How can we expect these children to become productive adults growing up in this environment? How can we teach these children how to have faith in God and then themselves to correct the wrongs being committed in their lives? How can we help Foster Parents to recognize the difference they can make in a life of a child and the importance of their role? And most importantly, how can we teach to break the Cycle of Abuse so we can shrink the numbers of children going into foster care in the future?

There's a truth I came to realize that changed my life and can change the lives of others. Have Faith in God - put your troubles into his hands and allow him to use you for the purpose you were born for. Once I started to follow this truth in my life I came out of despair to complete happiness and peace. I recognized my ability to help others and the importance of viewing each other as Gods children, people who possess a lot of value and have a mission just like I do for God.
When I began to see that God had a mission for my life, I started to embrace my challenges and learn from them without looking back. I was able to rid myself of the victim mentality and succeed where I was told I never would.
My prayer is that you see the message in My God Box and that it will inspire you to learn to overcome a traumatic experience and more importantly help someone else. I pray that you will agree that all it takes is a mustard seed of faith to realize your God Given potential.

God Bless You,
Margaret Iuculano

Questions and answers that matter:

Q: How many kids in the U.S. are in foster care?

A: On any given day the statistics show over 500,000 children in the US in the foster care system. The number has reached an epidemic level which has burdened a system not built or equipped to handle the issues facing these children.

Q: How long do they stay in foster care (on average)?

A: 2.5 years is the average across the US - the federal government has asked the individual states to try and reach a permanency solution for these children within 9 months but unfortunately the system is not equipped to meet this goal.

Q: Do they live with the same foster parents the entire time?

A: If they are lucky! I personally experienced over 15 different living environments and see the same movement between homes and shelters happening today.

Q: You grew up in foster care - what was your experience like?

A: My experience was most of the foster parents were not equipped to handle a troubled child who needed help. I was in poverty struck homes as well as abusive homes within the foster care system and these are the homes I advocate against. Children removed from their abusive home environments should not be put into a system that is not providing them a better environment than the home they were removed from.

Q: There are many wonderful foster parents who want to help children. But there are people who take in foster kids for the money - how can that be changed?

A: Not all but too many foster parents see their role as a job not wanting to get too attached to the child as it is a temporary situation thus making the child feel like a 2nd class citizen. The daily stipend a foster parent receives is not a lot of money but if you take in a few children it can be more than a welfare check.

Q: Do you think there’s enough training for foster parents?

A: There is not an easy answer to this problem with continual budget cuts within the foster care system but there really can't ever be enough training to learn how to cope with a child who needs help. You can become a foster parent in many states with only a few days of training and a criminal background check. Foster parents need so much more to make them successful.

Q: Is abuse a common problem in foster care?

A: It is too common and this is due to lack of resources and money to create a system that rewards foster parents based on outcomes versus number of children per day you take in. Local Department of Children and Families needs to be monitoring these children more effectively to eliminate the abuse taking place in these homes. It is not okay to have 1 child abused within the system and this issue needs to be addressed as a priority.

Q: What compelled you to write My God Box?

A: I feel I was blessed to have found God amid all the pain and misery I endured during my growing years. However, I also feel it’s time to give thanks and give back. I struggled for over two years with doubts and mixed feelings about setting my life in print, but whenever I took a step back, I was energized and encouraged by the awe-inspiring certainty that God wanted me to tell my story—for self-healing, but more importantly to open the minds and hearts of other suffering individuals to the mercy and goodness of God. God is hope. Without God there is no hope. Without hope there is no life.

Q: Who is your target audience?

A: My God Box is addressed to anyone struggling to overcome the traumas and challenges of a dysfunctional or broken life. It is also for anyone associated with someone living in pain and misery. Furthermore, it is for anyone who wants to live a serene life in harmony with the wishes of their Creator. In other words it is for everyone who seeks happiness and fulfillment for themselves and/or others.

Q: What are some of the stark realities surrounding Foster Care Programs?

A: The truth is that children are not ‘OK’ just because they have been removed from an abusive home and entrusted to a foster family. Although there are kind, nurturing people enrolled as foster parents, on the flip side there are individuals interested only in the monetary aspects of the program; individuals often just as, if not more dysfunctional, emotionally unstable and abusive than the child’s biological parents. This is one of the reasons why I wrote My God Box—to bring awareness to the plight of foster children—and to hopefully fix the shattered parts of a system in desperate need of repair.

Q: What are your long range goals?

A: My goal is to promote awareness of childhood abuse by using My God Box as a vehicle to become and advocate for children’s rights. I want to inform and encourage others to join with me to make a difference in the life of an innocent vulnerable child who needs to be protected and defended from society’s evils. I am planning speaking engagements/seminars which will help motivate people to start thinking about making changes in their lives and in the lives of others.

Q: Tell us a little more about yourself.

A: I am a wife, mother, entrepreneur and children’s rights activist with an unwavering faith in God that has led, leads and will undoubtedly lead me to the successful outcome of all my projects.

A closing thought from Margaret: Thank you for allowing me to share my book and God’s mission for my life with you. If you would like to learn more about me and my mission please visit - www.margaretlano.com and www.angelsforfosterkids.org and know that 100% of the book proceeds goes to Angles for Foster Children. Please feel free to contact me at anytime.

Angie's Take: I feel this kind of book and story meets exactly the purpose of this blog. God Uses Broken Vessels. Margaret is living proof. I love that she is also living proof of Romans 8:28, "All things work together for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to his purpose."

Thank you for visiting with Margaret and me today.
Angie

Fun Piece of News!

Next week I will get to sit down with the Deputy Medical Examiner for the State of Montana. I have to tell you how much I respect and appreciate him. Dr. Walter (Willy) Kemp is a huge part of my life.

I met Willy not quite two years ago over the phone. I had to set up something that was very difficult for me but also very necessary. My mom was in the process of dying. (There are past posts about mom's schizophrenia, my legal guardianship, and the subsequent choices we had to make on the right side bar of this blog.)

Willy is an amazing scientist. He had donated his father's brain to the study of CJD. Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease (CJD) is a very rare and incurable degenerative neurological disorder (brain disease) that is ultimately fatal. So he had direct personal experience with some of the symptoms that I dealt with as the daughter of a schizophrenic.

I called the MT Crime Lab as a possible help to find a doctor to provide services for my mom's brain donation when the time came. And it did come on March 1, 2007. Willy volunteered to help me with the necessary procedure.

He agreed to be on call for weeks as we waited for that sad moment. Then he got out of bed at 1a.m. to follow through with the plan to retrieve and donate my mom's brain to the study of schizophrenia. Why? Because we both believe so strongly in finding help for the future and for others. Maybe our parents can be one more link in the chain toward a better life for someone else.

I'm also a brain donor. I'll be telling these stories in full as I finish writing Insanity Rules.

Dr. Kemp, Michelle Sutton and I have teamed up to share coping skills and paradigm shifts for other people dealing with mental illness (or diseases that cause similar symptoms) in their loved ones.

If I could offer any tip off the top of my head for someone in the hurricane of this issue right now, it would be:
Preplan. It doesn't matter if you are planning a medical procedure or how you will handle the next big emotional blow up-the one you know is coming because they always do -preplan. Set up in advance how you will act. By rehearsing things that are hard to handle, you will always be in a better frame of mind. Not only that, but if you fail, you fail forward:-) You've taken steps to raise the bar.

I know several times I meant to be patient with my mom in her delusions. I'd practice and practice what I would say or how I would maintain my calm only to lose it. But because it was in the top of my mind, I was so much better the next time.

Okay, think of it this way...You want to learn to shoot a basket. You shoot, miss. Shoot and miss. This goes on 30 times. But each time your ball is closer to the basket until on number 31-swish. Would you stand still? NO! You dance around the gym. You feel joy and exultation.

Break down the behavior you want to change in yourself to practice behavior. Now practice until you swish:-) It's about the character of patience and perseverance. Picture it mentally just like an athlete does in preparing for the Olympics.

Willy and I set a plan in motion and it succeeded. Because of that, my mom and I have something to offer the world-a chance to keep practicing until the cure or treatment becomes a swish!

Welcome aboard, Willy Kemp, to the creation of Insanity Rules.

Welcome to our journey, friends, we hope it will make yours easier.

Angie
PS Remember to visit the FAITH Girls blog for part 2 today. (I post every Wed.)

Surviving Schizophrenia-A Great Resource

Hi Folks,

In response to several questions, this is a good handbook for dealing with Schizophrenia and understanding how to cope. I hope you find it helpful.

I found it through googling for support information. It is long, but I think you could best use it by looking for your topic of interest and dealing with the most urgent first. At least that's what I had to do with my mom.

I did not write this review, I am just passing along the information I found through Powell's Books.

Angie

So, here's the info below:


Surviving Schizophrenia 4TH Edition







by Fuller Torrey
About This Book

Synopsis:
Describes the symptoms, causes, and treatment of schizophrenia, tells those concerned how to take care of a schizophrenic, and discusses legal and ethical problems related to the mental illness.
Synopsis:
Since its first publication nearly twenty years ago, Surviving Schizophrenia has become the standard reference book on the disease, helping thousands of patients, families, and mental health professionals to better deal with the condition. In clear and compassionate language, Dr. E. Fuller Torrey explains the nature causes, symptoms, and treatment of this often misunderstood illness. The classic guide also addresses the many issues of living with the disease, for both patient and family, and includes the latest research findings on the causes of and treatments for schizophrenia. Also here are lucid answers to the questions most commonly asked by families, consumers, and providers. This fully revised fourth edition of Surviving Schizophrenia is a must-have for the multitude of people affected — both directly and indirectly — by this serious, yet treatable, disorder.

About the Author
E. Fuller Torrey, M.D., is a clinical research pychiatrist specializing in schizophrenia. He has lectured extensively and has appeared on Oprah!, 60 Minutes, and 20/20

Review:
"E. Fuller Torrey is a brilliant writer. There is no one writing on psychology today whom I would rather read."( Los Angeles Times )

Review:
"A comprehensive, realistic, and compassionate approach...Should be of tremendous value to anyone who must confront these questions."( Psychology Times )

Review:
Brilliant.... There is no one writing on psychology today whom I would rather read. (Los Angeles Times )

Product Details
ISBN:9780060959197
Subtitle:A Manual for Families, Consumers, and Providers
Author:Torrey, E. Fuller
Author:Torrey, E. Fuller
Publisher:HarperCollins Publishers


Schizophrenia, I said. The word itself is ominous. It has been called "one of the most sinister words in the language." It has a bite to it, a harsh grating sound that evokes visions of madness and asylums. It is not fluid like "dé mence, the word from which "dementia" comes. Nor is it a visual word like "é crasé, the origin of "cracked," meaning that the person is like a cracked pot. Nor is it romantic like "lunatic; ' meaning fallen under the influence of the moon (which in Latin is "luna). "Schizophrenia" is a discordant and cruel term, just like the disease it signifies.

Our treatment of individuals with this disease has, all too often, also been discordant and cruel. It is, in fact, the single biggest blemish on the face of contemporary American medicine and social services; when the social history of our era is written, the plight of persons with schizophrenia will be recorded as having been a national scandal. Consider the dimensions of the disaster.

"There are at least as many individuals with schizophrenia homeless and living on the streets as there are in all hospitals and related facilities. Studies of homeless individuals in the United States have estimated their total number to be between 250,000 and 550,000. A median estimate of 400,000 is consistent with the data from most of the studies. Studies have also reported that approximately one-third of homeless individuals are seriously mentally ill, the vast majority ofthem with schizophrenia. It is likely, therefore, that on any given day at least 100,000 persons with schizophrenia are living in public shelters and on the streets. As will be described below, there are only approximately 100,000 people with schizophrenia in all hospitals and related facilities at any given time.

"There are more individuals with schizophrenia in jails and prisons than there are in all hospitals and related facilities. A recent Department of Justice survey reported that 16 percent of inmates in local jails and state prisons, or 275,900 individuals, are mentally ill. Based on data from previous jail surveys, it is reasonable to estimate that approximately half of them, or 135,000 individuals, have schizophrenia. Thus, there are more individuals with schizophrenia in jails and prisons than there are in all hospitals and related facilities. Even more shocking is the fact that 29 percent 'of jails acknowledged holding such individuals with no charges against them, often awaiting a bed in a psychiatric hospital. The vast majority of those who do have charges have been charged with misdemeanors such as trespassing. The Los Angeles County Jail is now "de facto the largest mental institution in the country.

"There are increasing episodes of violence committed by individuals with schizophrenia who are not being treated. Individuals with schizophrenia who take medications are not more violent than the general population. However, as will be discussed in more detail in chapter 11, recent studies have shown that some individuals with schizophrenia who are not taking medication are more violent. In one study, 9 percent of individuals with schizophrenia who were living in thecommunity had used a weapon in a fight in the preceding year. In another study, "27 percent of released male and female patients report at least one violent act within a mean of four months after hospital discharge." Assaults against family members by individuals with schizophrenia have also risen sharply; a 1991 survey of the members of the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill reported that 11 percent of the seriously mentally ill family members had physically harmed another person within the previous year. A Department of Justice study reported that there are almost 1,000 homicides a year committed by individuals with "a history of mental illness"; media accounts suggest that the majority of these have been diagnosed with schizophrenia. Drug and alcohol abuse and noncompliance with medications both appear to be important factors in increasing violent behavior in this population.

"Individuals with schizophrenia are increasingly being victimized by others. Most crimes against individuals with schizophrenia are not reported; those instances that are reported are often ignored by officials. Purse snatchings and the stealing of disability checks are common, but rapes and even murders are not rare. In Los Angeles, a study of board-and-care home residents, the majority of whom had schizophrenia, reported that one-third of them had been robbed and/or assaulted in the preceding year. In New York, a study of 20 women with schizophrenia reported that half of them had been raped at least once, and 5 had been raped more than once. In Des Moines, Van Mill, a homeless man diagnosed with schizophrenia, was beaten to death by three men, then dumped into a children's wading pool.

"Housing formany individuals with schizophrenia is often abysmal. Because of pressure from state departments of mental health to discharge patients from state hospitals, seriously mentally ill individuals are frequently placed into housing that would not be considered fit for anyone else. For example, in 1979 the police removed 21 "ex-mental patients' living in New York City board-and-care homes "amid broken plumbing, rotting food and roaches..."

"Many individuals with schizophrenia revolve between hospitals, jails, and shelters."



Again, I did not write the above review, but I thought it might be helpful to some people dealing with loved ones and mental illness.
Angie

What does a guardian do now?

Guardianship doesn't end with the death of your loved one. There's still all the legal issues to deal with before the chapter closes on that period. The arrangements for the funeral, the closing of accounts, and the notifications. Then if the person had an estate, the disbursement.

In our case, there was no estate. But the medical records are significant to the study on the brain donation. Now, 2 months later, I'm still attempting to collect medical records. Some offices have been easy to work with and others have been literally the biggest waste of effort due to overly controlling staff that have no idea what they should be doing. The miniscule insurance policy from 1968 won't even cover 20% of the expenses, but the insurance company drags on sending letters to demand more fire coals to traverse. It ranges the entire gamut of the scale on helpful to non-helpful to downright idiotic.

So what do you do? You're still in shock or grief and someone decides they have more red tape for you to jump through. In my case, I set it aside for a better day. It wasn't worth the additional stress until I was ready to deal with the hassle. I took care of me.

That's an important process for guardians. It's too easy to get caught up in all the red tape, emotion, and struggle. Take time off when you can to recharge your emotional core. If you have a meltdown, it's not going to help anyone move any faster, the work get done, or help you continue. Take time to rest.

What does a guardian do now? Take it one small step at a time until you are finished. Your the one in control. Allow yourself the time to step back and see the big picture. It'll be easier to handle in little bites. Set your own schedule and let it flex if necessary.

Relax, the day now belongs to you.

Angie

In the beginning-Guardianship

The journey to guardianship of mom started through speaking with her doctor privately. I needed a partner in dealing with things that overwhelmed to me. Together, we planned our best effort to manage mom's mental illness, diabetes, parkinson's, osteoperosis, and high blood pressure. The only problem was a hostile patient.

We had to do it this way because mom refused to take her meds. Mom refused her meds because she didn't believe she had any of the above diseases. In her mind, someone had "hit" her instead. (Remember a "hit" is an imaginary negative thing caused by someone else that creates a real feeling, illness, or problem for mom. Refer to the post What's living with a Schizophrenic like?)

The doctor warned her in numerous appointments that she was near a coma from high blood sugar. He told me that if we didn't get it under control, she'd be dead shortly. We called the short term mental facility. The only way in was through the E.R. associated with that hospital. Her doctor wrote the referral.

We showed up for the next appointment. He did a standard physical while the police were called. (The only way in to the E.R. to execute the referral.) We tried to get her to take the diabetes meds. No way! I stepped out of the room. We didn't want her to know I had anything to do with the police because she needed to keep relationship with me. I stood in another exam room and cried.

I had to sign the intake paperwork with the doctor. Timing was tough. It had to be within a certain time frame or the facility wouldn't allow it. I arrived and watched my mother being led into the hospital in handcuffs. It was horrible. I sat in my car and cried. I couldn't stop it because she desperately needed the help. But handcuffs? Give me a break. This happened several more times over the next couple of years. I never got used to it. That's just the way it works.

Why did it have to repeat so many times? As soon as mom would agree to take her meds, the facility would let her go. As soon as they'd let her go, she'd go off her meds. Lovely little merry-go-round.

Finally, she called the police herself because of imaginary little men sat outside her window drinking. She hid in her closet until the police arrived. They took her to the E.R., called me, and we agreed on an observation period. Observation periods are crucial, by the way. Without those three day observations, it is incredibly difficult to get someone the psychiatric help they need. The family is often asked if they would like to take their loved one home-DO NOT DO IT! By taking your loved one home, you accept full responsibility for them and the state can wash their hands of the need to commit that individual.

The apartment complex had numerous incidents of her episodes on file. The County Attorney joined the police and doctor's effort to help me better care for her needs. But a public defender also was assigned to protect mom's rights. Seriously huge sigh.

The County Attorney's office and I spent too many days in court to count fighting the public defender. Everyone could see mom could not care for herself, could not make financial decisions, would not take her meds, and continued in a fast downward spiral. The judge kept letting her go. Those "too many days" were spread out over calendar years.

I managed to get the public defender to sit down and talk with me privately. She understood the desperate condition of my mother's health, her inability to care for herself, and lack of recognition of reality. I showed her the doctor's statements, all the proof from the apartment complex, as well as my own, and the past records I managed to fanagle from Denver.

After the first major forced stay at the state mental hospital (by the short term facility) things started to turn around. She went back to her apartment, but immediately quit her meds. She spiraled faster. She became malnourished. She refused meals on wheels because she thought the food was poisoned. She wandered lost in downtown without proper winter clothes. The police picked her up. Here we go 'round the mulberry bush...

The public defender had a really fine line to walk. She could see the need, but needed to defend mom's freedom. In the end, she chose to remain silent and allow mom to do all the talking on the witness stand. Then when the time came for her to make a statement, she allowed my mother's to stand. The judge ruled that my mother was not capable of making decisions on her own and needed the protection of a guardian. Her files must have been boxes full at the police department. I know I have a huge box full. After three years, countless short term facility stays, and I think two major state hospital stays-I was awarded guardianship. Because she fought the meds, the judge allowed a "full" guardianship to protect mom from harming herself by avoiding necessary treatment. Thank you God! She had to go back to the state hospital to get her back on track.

We closed her apartment after the state hospital also determined she wouldn't be able to care for herself. I found a nursing home that allowed her kitty. Several months later she was released from the state hospital to the nursing home. It has been a huge blessing. She's in my town (instead of an hour and a half away at the state hospital.) We pick her up for holidays and take her out to lunch or dinner every now and again. But, I have the blessing of 24/7 help monitoring her meds and condition.

That was just the beginning...Where are you in your journey to help a loved one?

Angie

What does a guardian do?

Guardians come in all sorts of arenas. They have different levels of legal ability to assist the person in their charge. A guardian could have a limited ability to handle financial, legal, or medical matters. It is possible to have all of these responsibilities, but also very challenging. In our case, I have a full guardianship in order to protect, make decisions, and determine mom's needs.

Handling the financial and legal matters is pretty much objective. The harder part isn't that I have to handle medical, but that some of the decisions are painful. I have to find a way to separate my emotions from my necessary duties sometimes. Mom's doctor is positive that she has tremors from her psychotic meds. I've been telling him that she has had these tremors for at least 10 years-before she took any psych meds. When he lowers her psych med without telling me, we end up in the E.R. again. She has a melt down and thinks snakes are biting her. Then he plays with her tremor meds. sigh. And she loses too much weight because she can't eat from the overwhelming shaking. THEN we so seriously have a chat-again. The medical part is the hardest for me.

It took over three years to get the judge to award me full guardianship. The change in the law (no, I don't know the exact year) makes it incredibly hard to help a mentally ill family member. It's like common sense flew out the window. We had to go through countless episodes, police visits, and an endless amount of doctor's visits where mom refused treatment that would stop her from going blind. I couldn't do anything but watch the downward spiral because I didn't have any power to help her. And she went blind.

Having full guardianship means I'm able to send her to the doctor, sign for medical treatment, and protect her from harming herself with poor decisions. Then the nursing home calls and wants me to decide on death and burial procedures. I know what needs to be done. It's still hard to do it. Despite the frustrations, I'm glad her life is now on an even keel. I'm glad that I have to decide on death and burial issues rather than her becoming a Jane Doe. It's still hard to do it.

Everything in life can help someone else. One of the things I want to do is explore all this in my writing. The next book I'm starting has a lot to do with the experiences mom and I have had. The working title is What She Didn't Know. Maybe it'll help someone else in the process. How do we reach the heart of our readers? By mining our own hearts. Otherwise, we don't have much of a message, do we?

Angie

Day to Day with Schizophrenia

Sometimes each day seems so long. Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it through each minute. Picking Mom up from the nursing home, to take her out to Pizza Hut, is supposed to be fun for her. She wants to go. She begs to get out. Okay, she begs to go home to her orange house that she sold almost twenty years ago. Man, I hate the color orange!

She turned 63 last month. Her favorite foods are pizza or liver and onions. Guess which one we picked for her birthday dinner? All four of my natural children showed up. It turned out to be a really fun outing. But that's not how it started.

We had to convince her that my brother (44) and cousin's son (19 or 20) were not toddlers crying for her to stay with them. She could hear them crying and asking her not to leave them behind. We (my oldest son and I) wanted to cry with her. Our eyes connected and held, both blinking back luminous moisture. Mom's worry and tears were real even if the toddlers weren't. She had mixed dates and people in her head.

Another time we had to convince her that no one was waiting outside at nearly midnight to pick her up. She could hear him calling to her and telling her that he would be late to work if she didn't come now.

Kristy asked if my mom was still alive. Yes, but she lives in a past that's very confused. Molly asked if she could be healed. No (unless God chooses to perform a miracle), her brain is dying from the inside out. We have CT Scans showing the progress. Sometimes it's not fun to see something so concrete as proof and sometimes it helps me know the whole thing isn't her fault.

Several people privately encouraged me and wondered about my guardian status. I'll talk more about that in upcoming entries. For now though, being a guardian is easier than being a daughter. At least I can be more objective with that hat on. I go into a sort of business mode. As a daughter, my heart alternately aches, steams, and softens. I see her physical and mental state degrading and her conversation continues to worsen because she can't follow a train of thought.

I fought for her sight and lost. Nurses tell me how nice she is (most of the time), but I remember another side of her. That's the hardest part, controlling the memories. I have to separate the past from the present. This is made easier because she looks so very different. She looks more like 83 than 63. She looks ravaged. I'll have to learn how to post scanned photos. My mother was once a very beautiful woman.

Funny aside, my dad said he'd recognize "that woman anywhere." At my son's graduation, he definitely didn't. Sorry Dad, but it was pretty funny.

Most of all, thank you to all of you for sharing your experiences with me publicly and privately. Please continue. We can make a difference if we are not afraid to be who we are. We can make a difference if we allow God to use the broken vessels of our families as well.

Could you be objective if necessary to make decisions for your parents? Why or why not? Or please feel free to continue sharing other thoughts and questions about these posts.

Angie